Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Hallo-hooker

Ahh. October. Quite possibly the best month of the year. Time for nice days and cool nights. Time for trees changing colors and those annoying mosquitos to go away. Time for pumpkins and apple cider. Time for those annoying Halloween inserts to fall out of the paper every freakin' time I want to read what's going on in the world.

And today, I looked at it. Not because Maddie needed a costume (she's going as Tinkerbell and her best friend is Captain Hook), but because I was curious. I mean, what are the other kids wearing? The first few pages for girls were typical- pumpkins, lady bugs, puppies, princesses, etc. For boys, there were policemen, sheriffs, football players, skeletons, etc. You know- cute little kid stuff. And then I turned the page.

Is this really a front for a Fredericks' magazine? No- those are 9 or 10 year old models. Let's see. We have: Pirate Grrl, Sweetheart Bat, Major Flirt, Devil Grrl, and Gothic Geisha, to name a few. And what's scarier is this is not even the teen page. I'm not even going there.

Now, I will admit, some of the other costumes are cute. Disco Dolly, Nifty Fifties, and even the USA Cheerleader costumes are some that I would let Maddie wear. But the others? Not a chance. Ever.

And then I started thinking about what my sisters and I wore. I can only remember going trick or treating with my younger sister, I guess because my older two had already outgrown it. But our costumes usually involved 2 really itchy scarecrow costumes, some old dance costumes, and a wonder woman mask. When I was in second grade my mom dressed me in a gold one piece cat suit with black fringe on the side, stuffed my front an obscene amount, curled my hair, applied bright blue eyeshadow with pink blush. I thought I was a dancer. When we got to the party, she called me Dolly Parton. I didn't have a clue.

As I got a little older, it became really hard for me to find a costume that I liked. I remember specifically my 5th grade year. I know I was really too old to dress up, but if I didn't dress up, no one would want to give me the candy. And that's what it's all about. My mom wasn't going to be there that night, so she let me oldest sister help me get ready.

I'm sure I was sulking and not wanting to wear the scarecrow costume again, so I asked her boyfriend what I should be. He told me he would help me come up with one that "no one has seen around here." He picked out some jeans that I had outgrown 2 years before. Paired it with a shirt that belonged to my younger sister. Had me put on high heels that I had never even attempted to wear. When I asked what I was supposed to be, he called me a "high class fashion model." I let him put garish makeup on me- double the amount I had ever seen on any one person and helped me perfect the art of pouting. He taught me how to work the runway- even if it was really going to be a gravel driveway.

I walked the walk. I talked the talk. I got buckets of candy. I was in high school when I realized what I really was that fifth grade halloween. A PROSTITUTE. I was a freakin' hooker for halloween.

Devilicious doesn't sound so bad, now. Does it??

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4 comments:

Tara said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
momx6 said...

Oh my gosh, Chelsea, that is SO hilarious! It is SO hard to find decent costumes anymore. I am so thankful for Hannah Montana! Gracie now wants to be her for halloween as opposed to the the "Bratz girls" all her friends want to dress up as. It's a scary time to be a little girl now days.

Keekimmie said...

But Chelsea, you were a beautiful prostitute!! Aren't you glad I got rid of him!! love ya sister !!

jenipooh92802 said...

The first thing I thought about when I started reading this was the Dolly Parton costume!! Thats soo funny!! Remember when I was fat albert in 4th grade! Love ya!

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