Monday, November 19, 2007

When Will Enough Be Enough?

Last week, I made a confession to Justin, and as soon as I said it, I wished I could take it back. I mean, really- does he have to know every single thing that goes on in my mind? Is honesty really the best policy? Now, he's looking at me like I'm crazy, doesn't really believe me when I tell him I'm not hungry, and I kinda think he secretly moniters what I eat throughout the day. Let me start at the beginning. Please be warned- it's not really funny at all. And this is really hard for me to write this.

In high school and college, I was an average size 8/10. Nothing wrong with that, but I would look at thinner girls, and dream about being that small. It wasn't a big deal, but I was always aware of it.

After I had Maddie, the pregnancy weight came off pretty easily. But as soon as I stopped nursing, a year later, it came right back. Plus some. I was now a size 10/12. But I was okay with it. Until I went to visit my family one weekend. I made the remark on how I had put on some weight, and no one disagreed.

I joined a gym the next week. And became addicted to working out. I go exercise usually 4 or 5 times a week. I try to watch what I eat, but don't really go overboard (except for those 5 months I tried to be a vegetarian).

That was almost 2 years ago. Since then, I've lost almost 35 pounds. And I'm now in a size 4. By far, the smallest I can ever remember being. And for some odd reason, I don't feel like it's enough. I keep thinking, Just 10 more pounds and I can lay off a little bit. If I eat that, I will need to work out an extra 15 minutes to burn off the calories. Is it worth it? It usually is. Cause I love food.

And this is how I ended up at Waffle House telling Justin that I ate a Krispy Kreme donut last week and considered throwing it up. I didn't do it, but the thought was there. And I think that's what is the scariest thing. I went home, researched how many calories were in one delicious, maple-glazed donut, then went running the next day to take care of it.

These thoughts scare me. Yes, I've had them several times. No, I've never acted on them. And I never will. I promise. Justin won't let me.

Whew- that was tough.

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1 comment:

Rachel said...

Oh honey.
You aren't alone. Many have been there. I was a perfect 6 to 8 in college. Had a baby, BOOM, size 18 to 20. Lost it all. Went down to an 8/10. Got prego, bad sick prego, went down to 4/6. Hubby told me I looked like death.
I'm 5'7. I am now a 10.. hedging on 12 probably. I could stand to tone, but I'm healthy, I love food and I eat what I want.
It freaks a guy out, especially one who loves you to hear something so foreign and frightening. You told him you wanted to damage yourself, yes, that's what you said.
Give it and him time. It's easy to become addicted to the workout cycle and the compliments.
I'll say a prayer and send you good thoughts.
Good luck.

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