The Princess Bride

There is a man at my gym that looks just like Santa. Long, white beard. Big belly. Always wears red or green sweat pants. Drives a green Element, with a stocking hanging on the mirror.

He plays Santa year round and really gets into it. He gives all the kids candy canes, even in the middle of summer. If a child goes up to him, he pulls out a little black book and finds their name, then checks it. And we see him everywhere- Wal-Mart, dining out, the gym swimming pool (not pretty, by the way).

So, when Maddie and I walked into the gym and saw him drinking coffee, Maddie really wanted to go talk to him. She walked right over, and tugged on his pants.

Maddie: "Thanks, Santa."

Sweet Santa:"Oh, hello there. Did you have a good Christmas? Did you get everything you wanted?"

Maddie: "Thank you for everything."

Stupid Santa:"What did you get?" I could see the wheels turning. What do you mean? You are Santa. You know what I got.

Maddie: "The Princess Bike"

Senile Santa: "The Princess Bride? I'm glad you like it."

I grab her hand, and pull her to the nursery. Seriously, what 3 year old gets The Princess Bride for Christmas? And why, oh why, would Santa admit that he didn't know what he got her? Just play along, you moron. That's what all good Santa's do.

I think we will be avoiding this Santa, for a while. Unless he's around and Maddie won't eat her dinner, of course.

I just hope he doesn't slip up and tell her that he's not really Santa. And that he doesn't really care if she eats or not. I'd hate to have to kick Santa's butt, all the way to the North Pole. But, I will.

It Happened This Christmas

Over the river and through the woods, to Gram and Pop's house we went. . . If I actually knew more of that song, it might be pretty fun to write an entire post, set to that tune. But, I don't. So, you'll just have to settle for some random observations from this Christmas.

Not so great expectations: On the way to my Mom's house, I got 3 different phone calls. The first one was from my little sister. Her youngest daughter had RSV and had to be hospitalized. The second was from my mom. My grandmother was sick and she was taking her to the doctor. My older sister was also sick and probably wouldn't be able to come celebrate with us. The last one was from my dad. He hadn't done any shopping and wanted me to help him out. I was starting to worry that this would not be a great Christmas, for anyone. Well, they released my niece that afternoon. No fever, not contagious. My grandmother and sister were given medicine. My sister was the only one who wasn't able to go to my mom's house Christmas morning. And shopping with my dad was actually lots of fun. For some reason, I always expect the worse. I think it's because it always makes me so happy when it doesn't actually happen.

Visit from Santa: The highlight of the trip was Christmas Eve night. At bedtime, my brother in law went to Maddie's bedroom window and shook jingle bells, and shone a red light at her window. We had told her earlier that if she wasn't asleep, Santa would leave and come back later. Her little eyes got as wide as I have ever seen them, when he said Merry Christmas, and HoHoHo. She started saying, "I'm asleep, I'm asleep." Then, she went straight to bed. No arguments. I hope he doesn't have plans for the next 7 or 8 Christmas Eves.

Maddie's nose: On Christmas morning, Maddie told everyone about Santa visiting her window. She told them about Rudolph's nose. Then she said "It went just like this." And then her eyes kinda glazed over and she stared into space. And, she kept doing it. She really thought she was making her nose glow red, like Rudolph's. Is she going to be the weird kid in class? She is, isn't she?

Big Gifts vs. Small Gifts: This was the first year, that Justin and I were really excited about what we, I mean Santa, got Maddie this year. Two words: Princess Bike. We just knew that as soon as she saw it, she would jump up and down, squeal in that high pitch she perfected, give us big hugs, and declare: "I know there is no Santa, and that you and Daddy gave this to me! Thank you soooooo much." Didn't happen. She briefly looked at all of her Santa gifts, and said: "Look, Mommy- I got Candy Land." Barely looked at her bike. It wasn't quite the reaction I had hoped for. I pointed out every cool thing about her bike. She really liked her puzzles. I had her put on her new princess helmet, with matching knee and elbow pads. They didn't feel right, and she wanted to do the paint by numbers thing. After lunch, it was warm enough to let her ride her bike, outside. In the end, the bike won.

Lesson Learned: While Maddie and her cousins were playing Candy Land, my dad told me that my grandmother needed me to go to her house to get things situated before lunch.

"Your Mawmaw is trying to thaw out corn, and Aunt Mary is peeling sweet potatoes."
"Aunt Mary is peeling potatoes? With a knife? But, isn't she. . . "
"Yeah." So I hurried over there. And there stood Aunt Mary. With an 8 inch carving knife, peeling potatoes. When she heard me, she turned, knife in hand, and almost stabbed me. Aunt Mary is blind. Don't sneak up on a blind woman, peeling potatoes. Or, better yet, don't let a blind woman peel potatoes, with an 8 inch carving knife.

Food: I ate the entire time I was at my Mom's house. There was an insane amount of food. My child, however, would only eat peanut butter. Again. Her loss. Oh, and by the way, if my sister says she doesn't like my broccoli and cauliflower salad, I'm gonna retaliate and say that I don't like her red velvet cake. Without even trying it. Sorry, Kim.

I love Christmas and the entire time leading up to it. I love the decorations, the music, the family time.

I really, really love that it only comes once a year.

Merry Christmas

The clothes are packed, the stockings are stuffed in a random box, and the presents are tucked in a duffel bag. We are as ready as we will ever be.

Rather, we will be as soon as Maddie goes to sleep. That's when we can start loading up the car. The real question is how we are going to hide her princess bike- all the way to Memphis. Fun times.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas.

Dora The Devil

Have you ever given your child a gift, sure it was the perfect toy, only to despise it within days? It didn't work as well as you expected it to. There were so many pieces, it was impossible to keep it all together. You invited other children over, just so you didn't have to play with the stupid thing.

Last year, it was all Maddie wanted. Every time we went to any store, her eyes would search for this toy. If they were out, she would just explain that it was okay, because Santa's elves would make more.

The Dora cash register. Need I say more? The Dora dollars, the Swiper credit card, the microphone. Ugh. Every time we would try to ring up a pretend toy (compliments of Dora, of course) it would say the wrong thing. In English and in Spanish. For example, if the tag said bicycle, it would say bracelet. If we would tried to scan the actual bracelet, it would say tennis shoes. It. Drove. Me. Crazy.

One day, Maddie was playing with this devil toy and when she was done, she wouldn't pick up the pieces.

"If you don't put it away, I'm giving it to the girl that lives upstairs."
"Okay."

I really didn't want to have to give away a $40 toy, but come on. Any time you refer to a toy as the devil, you don't need it around anymore. So, I gave it away, and haven't regretted it a single minute.

This year, she wants a freakin' Princess Royal Cash Register. It's basically the same toy, only pink and purple instead of orange and blue. I'm sure the horns and tail will grow on it, as quickly as they did on the Devil Dora Register.

I told her that it might be the only toy that the elves don't know how to build.

The Third Time Really Is A Charm

I'm always looking for fun, inexpensive things to do with Maddie. Last year, we went to a Christmas play, designed for children and I was so impressed with it, I planned on making it a yearly event. So, this past Friday, Justin, Maddie, and I met my friend and her twin granddaughters at the same place, hoping it would be as good as it was last year.


I honestly can't tell you what the whole thing was about. Santa, some elves, and Frosty melting- I think. The acting was worse than last year, and the storyline was ridiculous. At one time, I thought Al Gore was going to pop out of the Frosty costume and blame all the 3 and 4 year olds for global warming and causing Frosty to melt. But the kids loved it.


We suffered, I mean, sat through the play, sang the songs, and laughed with the kids at all the right times. And looking back on it, there were some really fun moments that made it all worth it.


The first great moment was when Maddie actually sat in Santa's lap. She didn't think twice about it, once she saw her friends do it. And even smiled her real smile. She usually has this crazy "I need to be on the toilet" smile, any time a camera is near.




But, the real highlight to this outing was when my friend told Frosty his mouth looked like a giant sperm.

Please Come Back, Ronald!!

Do you remember, not so very long ago, when the commercials during the morning hours were for sugary cereal, McDonald's Happy meals, and dental hygiene nightmares? It's only the first week of December, and I wish they would come back. Really. I miss them.

Now, every time I turn on a children's program, there is a different toy that Maddie just has to have. And none of the commercials are for the toys I already got her. Oh nooooo, those are so last month.

"Mommy, mommy, did you see that?!? I really, really want that! Maybe you can get it for me, for Christmas."

"I've already got your present. It's wrapped and under the tree."

"Is it that toy (doll, train, princess, dog, movie)? Oh. Well, this is what I really want. I'll ask Gram or Pop or Granny or somebody else. They would LOVE to get it for me. I know they would."

"Honey. . . That's not quite how it works."

"Okay, I'll just ask Santa. I've been really good. And he knows it. He and God see everything."

I get this all day long.

Super sugary cereal with marshmallows of every color and a free toy in every box doesn't sound so bad now, does it?

They Froze The Grinch

How the Grinch Stole Christmas. In ice. Awesome. Let's go.

"Mommy what's the Grinch?"

"It was my all time favorite Christmas book when I was a little girl."

"What's it about?"

"Well, there's this green thing, called the Grinch. He, um, didn't like Christmas and stole everyone's presents. I think he had a dog that he dressed like a reindeer. Um, some kid stopped him or something like that, and everyone got their presents back. You'll love it."

Okay- so it's been a long time since I've read the book, or watched the movie. But, I knew the basic premise of it. Give me a break.

We went with our friends and their little boy. We bundled into our (mandatory for liability reasons) parkas and walked into the wonderful world of Dr. Suess. Frozen.

9 degrees at all times frozen. Freakin' cold frozen. Can't feel your fingers, toes, or ears frozen. 2 million pounds of ice, carved for your viewing pleasure or torture, depending on how long you stay and how many pictures you force your child to pose for, knowing that she's freezing her little tush off, frozen. After 30 minutes, we were all frozen.

It really was very cool (pun intended), and I'll probably go back. Someday. As soon as I thaw out.

Lucy's Guide To Becoming A First Class Brat

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't remember Lucy being such a brat. You know who I'm talking about. Lucy, from Charlie Brown's Christmas. Maybe she was always a brat, but now that I have a very impressionable 3 year old, I tend to notice these things more.

Within the first few minutes, Lucy had told poor Charlie Brown that he was stupid 3 times and threatened to "clobber him on the head." Not exactly the warm, fuzzy Christmas movie feeling I was looking for when I started watching it with Maddie this year.

I thought we would be sitting down, watching a cute cartoon, eating popcorn, and she would be so enthralled with it, it would become our thing that we do every year. Nope. Not gonna happen. Here's why:

"Mommy, why is that girl acting ugly to Charlie Brown?"

I came up with several answers, all of which she could and would use as an excuse for being mean in the future. So, I pretended not to hear her.

"Mommy, she just called him stupid. Why? That's ugly to say that.Why is Charlie driving her nuts? I think that means crazy."

"I heard her, and I'm glad that you know it's mean. Let's just watch the show. I'm sure it will get better and she will be nicer."

"Mommy. What does clobber mean? She's gonna do that to Charlie Brown. Can I clobber you?"

It took about two seconds for me to find the remote and turn off Charlie Brown's Christmas. I think we'll just stick with Rudolph.

Wait a minute. Is that the movie where the reindeer mom and dad are so ashamed of their son, they try to cover his nose with coal and the other reindeer laugh at him? Great. I'm doomed, aren't I?

Color Me Crazy

As a child, my all time favorite Christmas tradition was decorating our Christmas tree. With 3 sisters and both parents, it was usually mass chaos. While 2 of us would help Dad with the colored lights and garland, the other 2 and Mom would get the ornaments ready.

And, let me tell you- there were lots of ornaments. Of every type. There were the hand-made, really ugly ones that we insisted on being on the tree. There were the fancy figurines, the silly ones, the ones that were put out of reach of whatever animal we had at the moment. And we can't forget the brass ornaments that we each got every year, with our name engraved on it. And Mom let us put them all on, without much of a fight. And every year, we deemed it the prettiest one we had ever decorated.

When Justin and I got married, I decided I wanted a "real" tree. No, not a live one, but one that was decorated by adults, with clear lights and a theme. I bought only red, green and gold ornaments. I did buy some whimsical ornaments that matched my colors, just so it wouldn't be too boring. And it was pretty. Finally, I'm an adult. With an adult tree.

Enter Maddie.

I took her to Target last week to buy some more decorations. When we walked through the Christmas section, she couldn't contain her excitement. If it had colors, she loved it. If it was tacky and gaudy, she loved it. And she wanted them all, including the gasp colored lights. Have you ever tried to explain a tree color scheme to a 3 year old, when Target has every imaginable, fun ornament on their shelves? Just don't.

And then I started thinking. This could easily turn into a power struggle. And since it's Christmas and all, I let her win. I let her get the colored lights. She picked out several really bright, not red or green, ornaments. And our collection began.

Tonight, before bed, we turned off all the lights in the apartment. Then we laid down under the tree, with the lights on. She turned to me and smiled, with pure joy.

"Mommy, I think this is the prettiest tree I've ever seen."

I think she may be right.